I just really wanted to say that I am ok. Many people have been checking on me and really I am doing better. There are definitely times that I struggle with the miscarriage but I know that won't help anything. So I continue looking forward.
I continue to bleed and shed the lining in my uterus, as my body attempts to return to normal. The lining that we worked so hard to build up and now we hope will quickly thin so we can move on. I went in today for lab work and to get a new plan established with the fertility clinic. My HCG hormone has dropped significantly since the last time it was checked but that was when I was approximately 5 weeks pregnant and when we wanted it to be high. Now we want it to drop. The plan is to recheck the level in 2-3 weeks and go from there. Hopefully it will be down to zero and we will be talking about a frozen transfer. I have heard that acupuncture helps lower levels after miscarriages and then increases blood flow to the uterus when doing IVF so I may just try that to help my body do what it needs to.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
The last few days
Friday was extremely hard, emotionally. I had a really hard time getting my head around what had occurred. I knew that this was a risk that we took when we started this process but was not expecting it at all.
Saturday was a little bit easier but continued wondering what if I was fifteen pounds lighter, what if I was less or more active, was it my sleeping on my stomach that one time??? I continued to know deep down that it was nothing I did but the thoughts continued in my head.
Sunday was much better. No tears were shed and acceptance had set in. I was upset but started looking to the next step, passing the baby. The anxiety then set in. I had read lots on line and was super scared for what was to come. Thanks to other surrogates and the clinic my worries were put to rest. I took the medication at 10:30pm last night and passed what I believe was the baby @ 3:15am. I forgot what contractions really felt like, whew. And to know that they weren't leading to the goal of a healthy baby birth was really hard. I got through it and am feeling better now. I finally got some sleep after 4 am and am just cramping now. Mentally I am accepting what has happened in the last few days and I know that we will be ok.
I can't thank all my friends and family enough for the continued love and support that has been shown to me during these few days.Even though my husband was out of town he was amazing. My IF's were also so uplifting and supportive and that truly made such a difference. I am excited to be on this journey with them. I am such a lucky girl.
Saturday was a little bit easier but continued wondering what if I was fifteen pounds lighter, what if I was less or more active, was it my sleeping on my stomach that one time??? I continued to know deep down that it was nothing I did but the thoughts continued in my head.
Sunday was much better. No tears were shed and acceptance had set in. I was upset but started looking to the next step, passing the baby. The anxiety then set in. I had read lots on line and was super scared for what was to come. Thanks to other surrogates and the clinic my worries were put to rest. I took the medication at 10:30pm last night and passed what I believe was the baby @ 3:15am. I forgot what contractions really felt like, whew. And to know that they weren't leading to the goal of a healthy baby birth was really hard. I got through it and am feeling better now. I finally got some sleep after 4 am and am just cramping now. Mentally I am accepting what has happened in the last few days and I know that we will be ok.
I can't thank all my friends and family enough for the continued love and support that has been shown to me during these few days.Even though my husband was out of town he was amazing. My IF's were also so uplifting and supportive and that truly made such a difference. I am excited to be on this journey with them. I am such a lucky girl.
Friday, November 4, 2011
A sad update...
I went in today for my 9 week scheduled ultrasound and to our surprise and saddened hearts we saw a sleeping angel baby without a heartbeat. I was to say the least devastated. The clinic attributes it to the bleeding that happened a little over a week ago and the thought that the stress of it all was too overwhelming for the baby to survive. The growth of the baby stopped about 3-4 days after the bleeding. The meds I am on have kept the baby inside of me but nothing could keep the baby living.
I felt so defeated and like such a failure. All day I have been racking my brain to figure out what I was doing or what I did wrong and in my heart I know that I did nothing wrong but my heart still hurts. Lucky for me I have some amazing friends and IF's. The fathers were so positive and loving towards me and all that we have gone through together that I couldn't have asked for more. My friends and other surrogates have been so supportive and caring towards the situation and appreciate all the love shown toward me.
So now we take a deep breath and let my body get back to normal before we try again. Yes we are going to try again and I have confidence that the next time will be the time that we get a healthy baby for these amazing guys.
I felt so defeated and like such a failure. All day I have been racking my brain to figure out what I was doing or what I did wrong and in my heart I know that I did nothing wrong but my heart still hurts. Lucky for me I have some amazing friends and IF's. The fathers were so positive and loving towards me and all that we have gone through together that I couldn't have asked for more. My friends and other surrogates have been so supportive and caring towards the situation and appreciate all the love shown toward me.
So now we take a deep breath and let my body get back to normal before we try again. Yes we are going to try again and I have confidence that the next time will be the time that we get a healthy baby for these amazing guys.
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